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“Everyone else isn’t you. It turns out that’s a huge problem for me.”
— Clementine von Radics, “Things I Do When I Cannot Hold You”
Just Thinking
My anxiety has been reminding me of you.
Everyday I remember your death,
but also the way you floated
Through life as if nothing bad happening was true.
Flowers were your favourite, gorgeous creatures in nature
And that’s why your birth and death dates are on a flower in my tattoo.
As painful as it was, and as idiotic as I think you are,
I hope you don’t feel as trapped as I do
Down here on Earth when you’re resting so far.
My depression has worsened, my religion is gone
I feel hurt, you feel stolen, and I’ve taken too many trips to the bar.
I was thinking of a cat for my next ink,
But what a misuse of my skin.
It should be your name tattooed I think,
But how many tattoos can I get
Without feeling so out of sync?
I’ll hug your tree and listen to your music
In loving memory of your weird ways
And looking at your eyes is slightly therapeutic
So I leave your picture by my bed
And hope one day your story goes public.
You’re inspiring, my favourite person
And I hope you are feeling free
Even if my condition has worsened.
Lucas
All I can think about is how much better you were than everyone else and I can’t stop comparing people to you, how am I supposed to make friends when nobody lives up to the standards you left me with? Get out of my head.
Untitled
Content warning for mental illness
…
A tap on the window
A knock on the door
A whisper, “let me in”
I felt reassured.
But now a slap in the face
And a fat lip
I trusted you with my life
But now the table’s been flipped
You tell me it’s my fault
I didn’t say no
But I don’t remember asking
For you to shoot my doe
Anger, frustration, and fear
Push me further into my bed
As I hide from you,
My dear.
“They hate you,”
You tell me, a sinister look
As you read me transphobia
Found on facebook
I remember when I was scared
To lose you or your friends
I thought you protected me
But now I want it to end
“Please leave”, I cry
You’re a cannon that’s lose
And if you were a real person
They might call it a abuse
But you’re in my head,
You damn anxious thoughts
You and depression
Are calling the shots
But I’m here for a fight
With you and your friends
And I can close the doors for now
As I drift off into the night
